A Pain in the Class

If you are to have any hope of understanding English society then one of the fundamental truths that must be recognised is that the class structure that politicians have tried hard to tell us is a thing of the past is, in fact, still one of the defining parts of our society.

True, the lines have been blurred as to what actually defines membership to each class. Years ago it was a simple matter of owning property that would elevate you to the middle-classes, but when Margaret Thatcher enabled council tenants to buy their homes at reduced rates though the ‘Right to Buy’ scheme, that put paid to that rule.

Profession was always another indicator, and still remains something of a yard-stick with with you can beat your fellow man, but with the change in working practices and situations, plus the business start-up culture of the last 20 years or so, it’s very easy to find people who would claim allegiance to a certain class actually owning businesses or gainfully employed in positions that starkly contradict their assertions.

You can’t even trust education now, as University attendance has been opened up to pretty much anyone who can make the grade (as it should be), regardless of their financial situation.

So, essentially, what we are left with now is an almost invisible divide that exists even if we pretend it doesn’t. Attitudes define our belonging, what we aspire towards, what principles we hold as immutable, even the language we use or choose not to use.

The thing is…. should we care?

If class is no longer a financial measure of society then what purpose does it serve (if it ever served one at all)?

The thing that struck me recently is that in some ways it would help our ability as a country to communicate effectively if we were more actively aware of the prejudices we hold when entering a conversation. For at it’s heart, to me, class equates to nothing more than that. Prejudice.

I come from an immigrant family (both parents were Irish and moved here in the 60s) and have never lived in anything other than a council flat my entire life. Never had a garden. Never went to college or university. Have never earned more than £15,000 a year in the 20 years that I’ve been working. So therefore I should hands down qualify as a working class bloke, no question.

But here’s my problem. You see I don’t fit in with my fellow neighbour. I love books, reading, words, language, the richness of it, the possibilities it offers. Yet I find that my kith and kin seem to regard this as a bit soft and posh. I struggle with the ladish culture that has become more prevalent in recent years, mainly because I don’t get it really. Sure I can appreciate the sultry curves of a glamour model plastered on the front of a magazine, but I need more than that. The mind needs to be fed too.

The thing is though I’m not a middle-class wannabe trying to shake off the less than illustrious past. I don’t find many of them make much sense either, generally lacking perspective of those with less money, and looking down on them because of it. The way some of them spend their own money seems frankly offensive when there are people in such desperate need not far from thier doorstep.

So this leaves me confused about something I honestly shouldn’t care one jot about. But in any culture don’t we secretly look to understand our place, role, or space in relation to others? Maybe I’m just a metaphor for modern Engand, we don’t know were we fit in, how we relate effectively to others, and whether we actually care.

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The Greatest Living Englishmen, of a fictional persuasion.

Tags

arthur dent, englishmen, james bond, jeeves, john steed, patrick mcgoohan, sherlock holmes, the prisoner

In our long and proud history many heroic Englishmen have held the hopes of the nation proudly on their shoulders.

Warriors such as Nelson, Wellington, and Bader have inspired stories of incredible bravery and courage. Whereas politicians like Wilberforce and Churchill have secured their place in legend.

Fiction though has thrown up figures who embody many of the traits the English hold dear in their hearts – integrity, resourcefulness, and of course the ubiquitous stiff-upper-lip. Like many heroes they succeed where lesser mortals would falter, and create an image of how we would all like to be. Others have the ability to stoically endure the hardships and utter confusion of this life, something many of us struggle to emulate.

So here’s a list of my top five fictional Englishman…let me know if you think differently.

5) Jeeves

Where would lovable idiot Berty Wooster be without the redoubtable Jeeves? As the clueless toff bumbles his way through a series of adventures and close shaves it is his unshakable valet that acts as a rudder in his ship, directing him to calmer waters. All this while making sure his master’s dinner suit is prepared and a miracle cure for a hangover is at hand.

Right Ho, Jeeves!

The Inimitable Jeeves

4) Sherlock Holmes

When not ensconced in his Baker street abode, playing on his violin while feeding his cocaine habit, the consulting detective could be found using his stunning intellect, and not inconsiderable knowledge of tobacco, to solve some of the most fiendish cases of the day. He was even good enough to warrant an arch-nemesis in the guise of Professor Moriarty, whose intelligence was almost as formidable as the great detective himself. With his faithful friend Dr Watson by his side Holmes became the benchmark for the modern sleuth.

He’s been portrayed in countless film and television adaptations over the years, but I must say that to me the ultimate Holmes was the one of Basil Rathbone in the 1940s series of films. No one else could rock the Deerstalker like that man!

Basil Rathbone - The Ultimate Holmes

3) John Steed

Now I know what you’re all thinking, surely James Bond was the perfect gentleman spy? Well, no. Bond, at least the literary version, was a fascinating and flawed character with a penchant for exotic cocktails, scrambled eggs, sausages, and getting himself beaten up on most of his missions. I LOVE the books, which are a far more interesting venture than the majority of the films, most of which have plot holes big enough to build a secret underground lair in. But for sheer class, grace under fire, and the ability to wear a bowler hat without looking like a complete idiot, John Steed (played by Patrick MacNee) is the chairman of the board.

More reliant on wit and intelligence than brute force and snazzy gadgets, John Steed regularly saved the world with a smile on his face. Plus the sexual tension and sense of repression between him and the rather delightful Mrs Peel served to illustrate another trait of English culture. All this during the swinging sixties – now there’s a man of quite inexhaustible self-control.

Just make sure you forget that the film version with Ralph Fiennes ever happened and everything will be ok…

Classy and Deadly - John Steed

2) Number 6

When Patrick McGoohan’s character resigns from his role as a British secret agent he suddenly finds himself kidnapped and imprisoned in the surreal setting of ‘The Village’. Here he is subjected to a series of attempts to get him to divulge the reasons for his sudden career change, each more stranger than the last. From village elections to virtual Westerns, Number 6 maintains a particularly English persona of word-play, polite manners, and subtle scheming. Let’s face it, any man who can finish a series by riding a rocking horse, presiding over the weirdest court case in history, then dancing on the back of a fake house loaded on the back of a lorry, and arrive at Westminster as if everything’s normal has got to be one of the most regal of all men.

Be seeing you…

He's not a number...he's a free man!

1) Arthur Dent

Sure, there are more capable men, more heroic men, more interesting men, but if this is truly about the great Englishmen then Arthur Dent is the only sensible choice to head the list. You see Arthur is one of us. Steed, Number 6 – these are men of incredible fortitude and bravery. Holmes and Jeeves have phenomenal minds that they use to great results. Arthur, though, gives hope to us ordinary men. Faced with the fate of the universe in the balance, the destruction of his world, and worst of all losing the lady of his dreams to the double-headed sex god that is Zaphod Beeblebrox, Arthur responds in the only authentic way a true Englishman should – he tries to find a really good cup of tea.

He may be descended from a hotch-potch collection of telephone sanitizers and advertising executives, but despite this he prevails and gets to see more than any other man in the whole of history. Arthur is the ultimate under-dog, and there’s nothing the English love and respect more than that.

The Greatest Fictional Englishman - Arthur Dent

Flying the Flag

The old Union flag has flown proudly for many years, but thanks to fascist political parties and assorted bands of thugs draping themselves in it during the 70s and 80s it faded from public sight.

In recent years though it seems the Union has been popping up all over the place. Musicians have led the way, but never underestimate the power of making a cheap bit of money by slapping a flag on the side of something.

Here’s a few choice images that show you can wear the flag without need of bother-boots or a skinhead haircut.

1) Gerri Halliwell’s Dress

Top of the list has to be Spice-Girl Gerri Halliwell’s Union Jack dress. Worn at the 1997 Brit awards ceremony, at the height of the Spice Girls’ fame, it later raised $80, 000 when auctioned for charity.

Send her victorious....

2) Noel Gallagher’s Guitar.

When the Cool Brittania movement of the 90s was in full swing Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher took to the stage sporting a custom paintjob on his Epiphone 335. It was no doubt a nod to the likes of Paul Weller and Pete Townshend, but still stood out as an iconic image that captured the essence of the times.

Rock'n'roll star

3) Austin Powers’ Car

Ok, ok. I know this was an American film, but hey, when the red, white and blue 1961 E-type Jag rolled into shot I think every Englishman the world over would have stopped for a second and thought….cool.

Yeah baby....yeah!

4) Union Jack Converse

The all conquering Converse trainers have always been willing to try things out colour-wise. Such is their popularity that David Tennant’s Doctor Who wouldn’t be seen in a time-vortex without a pair. But my heart was warmed, and my wallet frightened, when these little beauties came out. Sadly I already have several pairs of Converse, but I’m wearing them in the harshest weather my feet can take in order to wear them out and give me an excuse to buy some of these.

An admirable feet

5) The Union Jack Sofa

As Britain’s obesity rate increases it’s comforting to know that we can now spread our fat out with wild abandon as we slump in front of the X Factor, Pop Idol, or Eastenders. The Union Jack sofa is a work of art that will no doubt fair better than some of the blubbery bodies that will inevitably lay upon it. God bless her, and all that eat Doritos in her….

Lounge of hope and glory.

Well that should do it for now. If you see the flag lurking in any strange places then please send me a pic, be good to know what she’s up to….

What’s it all about Alfie?

England is a funny place.

It’s the home of great literary giants such as Shakespeare, Orwell, and Austen, but also reportedly has an illiteracy rate of almost 20% among adults.

Musical legends such as The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, and The Who set forth from Britain’s shores, but these days the nation is absorbed by watching and voting for televised karaoke every Saturday night.

The country is currently governed by a Scot, an Italian manages our football team (far better than any previous Englishman since 1966), and those two most English of car brands that James Bond himself would always be found in – Rolls Royce and Aston Martin – are now owned by Germans and Americans respectively.

So what does it mean to be British these days? In our wonderfully multicultural society have we lost the national identity that once propelled us to lead the world in engineering, literature, fashion and music? Or are we discovering a new one that incorporates the riches of other cultures and adds to our own?

This blog hopes to give observations on life in the United Kingdom at this interesting and possibly defining moment.

It will also work hard to answer the question that lurks at the heart of every man, woman and child in this green and pleasant land – What really is the best biscuit?

Join me, tea in hand, as we delve into the patchwork of mysteries and marvels that I call home.